Let Yourself Break

0 comments Posted on August 10, 2015

Amber Hainesby Amber Haines

In the hospital, I rocked my baby and considered the songs we would play at his funeral.

I didn’t know how to let the peace in. I hadn’t been in a stage of great Scripture consumption. I hadn’t been praying without ceasing, but the night we thought Titus was dying was the night I cracked. Part of me felt held with hands, and part of me was blown back in fear, as if God threatened to fill me like a roar of molten lava. Weak places are indeed a siphon for glory. I sat in a place I could hardly bear like a vessel cracking under pressure. Will I break? Can I contain this kind of pain? Can I let God have this child? Do I have a choice?

Then I heard the voice of peace, as if God had settled in the next room over. I knew he was there and experienced his comfort peripherally, but the inner realm, the intimate dimension made for dwelling in peace, was not an open place. I didn’t want to break. Fear sealed me from allowing such intimacy. Peace was a thing I believed in, just over in the glory land, like a gift I could open when I die, but maybe that’s the thing. Sometimes I fear the intimate trust too much to break. Maybe that’s exactly what you’re supposed to do; let yourself break. Let yourself be filled with peace.

WildInTheHollows

Amber Haines, author of Wild in the Hollow, has 4 sons, theRunaMuck, and guitar-playing husband, Seth Haines. She’s an Alabama girl who’s found home in Arkansas. She loves the funky, the lyrical narrative, and the dirty South. She finds community among the broken.

Contribute…

Submit Comment