by Arlene Pellicane
God created humans with one mouth and two ears. You might say it is a visual reminder that listening is more important than talking (although lips are generally easier to notice than ears!). This is an area I need to work on. I have this very annoying habit of finishing people’s sentences or speaking up when I should be quiet. For example, my husband, James, asked our daughter, Lucy, how her science test went. Knowing the ten-minute answer to that question since I picked up Lucy from school, I spared James the time and answered for her, giving a summary of what happened. Sure, that might be expedient, but that question was not directed toward me. The question was for Lucy.
The other thing I do is related. I finish people’s sentences. James will say something like “I think I will volunteer at church because . . .” and then I’ll butt in “. . . they need people to help with the Christmas event.” This happens so often that James will say, “Do you want to try another answer, or do you want me to tell you?” Turns out I’m not a mind reader and even if I was, no one wants a mind reader as a listener because what would be the point of talking?
There are three negative listening styles I have noticed in myself, my husband, and others:
1. Assumptive Listener: “I know what comes next!”
This is when I assume I know what my spouse is going to say, and I say it before he even has a chance. I have good intentions. I’m trying to show James I’m tracking with him and get what he’s saying. But where is the fun in talking to someone who keeps interrupting?
Solution: Keep your mouth shut until your spouse is done talking.
2. Fixer Listener: “I can fix that!”
Men are often known for being fixer listeners because of their desire to solve problems. But many times, a spouse is sharing just to unload and receive understanding and sympathy. We are not looking for an easy fix that makes our problem seem small and inconsequential.
Solution: Ask, “Do you want me to offer a solution or just listen?”
3. Celebrity Listener: “I had a situation just like that happen to me!”
In conversation, most of us tend to turn the focus back on ourselves. This constant effort to shift the conversation back to you scuttles the chance of you listening to the other person. You are just listening for the chance to shine the spotlight back on your accomplishments, opinions, problems, or desires. This type of listening is selfish and self-serving.
Solution: Imagine a halo on top of the speaker. It’s their moment to shine, not yours.
If you avoid these three pitfalls, you will join an elite group of listeners. Kate Murphy, author of You’re Not Listening, interviewed people of all ages, races, and social strata for her book. She writes: Among the questions I asked was: “Who listens to you?” Almost without exception, what followed was a pause. Hesitation. The lucky ones could come up with one or two people, usually a spouse, a parent, a best friend, or a sibling. But many said they didn’t feel like they had anyone who truly listened to them, even those who were married.[1]
If you are married to a spouse who listens, you are incredibly rich.
[1] Kate Murphy, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters
(New York: Celadon Books, 2019), 17.
Adapted from Making Marriage Easier: How to Love (and Like) Your Spouse for Life by Arlene Pellicane (©2025). Published by Moody Publishers. Used with permission.
Arlene Pellicane is a speaker, host of the Happy Home podcast, and author of several books. Arlene lives with her family in San Diego. To learn more, visit ArlenePellicane.com.
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