by Sally Clarkson
As I enter my seventies, I reflect with gratitude on my four children and growing number of grandchildren. Watching my grandchildren develop their unique ways of being in the world brings me great joy. With the benefit of experience, I’ve learned to appreciate and celebrate these differences. However, I often hear from parents grappling with this reality for the first time:
“How can I get my child to change? I try so hard to shape their character, but nothing seems to work.”
Beneath such questions lies a common longing: “How can I get my children to behave the way I want them to?”
This desire for control is natural. Parenting often feels like an attempt to bring order to chaos. Yet, clinging to the expectation of control can lead only to frustration.
The Impossibility of Changing Personality
You can no more change a child’s personality than your own. Each child is a wonderfully complex creation, uniquely designed by God. Just as flowers display infinite colors, shapes, and scents, people express boundless variations of personality and potential. God delights in this diversity, and it is part of our faith to see the glory in His varied creation.
These differences can inevitably lead to conflicts—between siblings, or between parent and child. Yet, it is possible to cultivate an environment where each individual feels understood and valued. This begins with recognizing that every personality is motivated differently. Learning these motivations is key to building harmony and fostering relationships.
A Framework for Understanding and Love
As parents, my husband Clay and I committed to studying the unique design of each of our children. From this understanding, we sought to create a family culture of love, acceptance, and respect. This didn’t mean abandoning training or discipline; rather, we established a framework of shared family values.
Acknowledging individuality does not mean forgoing universal principles. When children feel understood, they are more likely to trust their parents and listen. This trust creates space for cultivating harmony, rather than demanding conformity.
From the start, our goal was to reach our children’s hearts, not simply modify their behavior. By affirming and accepting their personalities, we built a foundation that allowed us to call them into a fuller vision of the values we wished to instill. This approach made it possible to guide their growth without erasing their individuality.
The Reward of Time
Now that my children are grown, I marvel at how their childhood personalities remain part of who they are today. They have matured into fascinating, well-rounded individuals, yet the quirks and traits that made them unique as children still shine through.
Looking ahead, I wonder what stories my grandchildren will write. Though I can’t foresee every detail, I’m certain they will continue becoming more of who they are, expressing the beauty of their God-given design.
A Garden of Diversity
My family is like a blooming garden, rich with different colors, shapes, and expressions. As I grow older, I see how deeply God has blessed me through this diversity.
For parents just beginning this journey, I encourage you to do the hard but rewarding work of uncovering the treasures hidden in your children’s hearts. Learn to see and celebrate their individuality, and you will discover the unique blessings they have to offer.
Each child is a masterpiece of God’s creation. By embracing who they are, we honor the artistry of the One who made them.
Sally Clarkson is a beloved and bestselling speaker, mentor, and author of over twenty books who has spent three decades encouraging and supporting Christian women. She hosts the popular podcast At Home With Sally, which inspires countless women around the world. She has been married to her husband, Clay, for over forty years with whom she raised four children. She lives between the mountains of Colorado and the cobblestone streets of Oxford, England.
Comments