by Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell
How would you describe your relationship with your adult child? Your answer to this question will reveal where you need to start or pick up if you desire a growing relationship. Because human relationships are dynamic and always changing, understanding where you are will give you some clues as to where you need to go.
Perhaps you and your adult child have a close, healthy relationship. Or perhaps relations between you have been strained. Perhaps your grown child is involved in a lifestyle that troubles you, or perhaps he is stuck and not moving ahead in life. Perhaps he has financial problems. Maybe your daughter has had a string of dysfunctional relationships and suffers from crippling low self-esteem. Perhaps her job doesn’t pay enough to provide her with a living wage, and she has moved back home.
How can you be the parent your child needs at this stage of his or her life? What about your own needs? In most cases, you can have a positive, growing relationship with your adult children—even a friendship.
Too many parents minimize their power to create a positive climate; they blame any difficulties on the child’s behavior. “If Bridget would only stop dating that miserable creature, we could get along well again,” one father said. Such a statement assumes that the parent is powerless until the child makes a change. This attitude of blame has led many parents to believe “there’s nothing else I can do.” Once they believe this myth, a fractured relationship may continue indefinitely.
Far more productive is this approach: “I do not like the present behavior of my adult child. I know that I can’t change that behavior, but I can and will seek to have a positive influence on her.”
Your attitude, words, and behavior do influence your child every time you are together. When your child drops by, look him in the eye and say sincerely, “Hi, nice to see you. You’re looking good. What’s going on?” You have created a climate that promotes communication. But if you merely glance up and say, “I hope you don’t wear that cap at work,” you have erected a major roadblock.
As parents, we must take responsibility for our power of influence and stop blaming our children for a less-than-optimal relationship. We are older and should be more mature. Our children, even though grown, are on the front end of life, still trying to learn. We can go a long way in creating a good climate in which learning can take place. Parents can’t create a good relationship with a child, but they can help create a climate in which the relationship can develop.
We need to continue to evolve in our parenting roles as our children become adults. Unfortunately, many parents do not make appropriate changes so that they can reach a truly rewarding adult-to-adult relationship with their children. But when parents and adult children behave in a mature manner, all of them can experience a new meaning and joy in life.
Unfortunately, some parents look to their adult children to meet their own needs. One mother was challenged to ask herself, Am I making my grown child an idol? Do I look to him to affirm my value as a person? Instead, confident parents of adult children convey affection and respect to them in a healthy manner. They place genuine importance on their children’s feelings and thoughts and let them know that those opinions and feelings are deeply important. They want to come to truly understand their children. They want to know how much guidance and freedom their children need. Parents who are sensitive to their children in these ways often come to the wonderful realization of how deeply they respect and value their adult children as friends.
It is crucial to understand that no one has done a perfect job with their children. Parenting is about the most difficult job in the world, and few of us have had any training in it. Yet, even if you had the best training in the world, there are still situations that no one can foresee, and some that almost no one can cope with well. Every family is different, and every child is unique. When we admit that we have made mistakes, and when we understand just how and when we misjudged, we can begin to do something about it.
Most parents have done something right. It is helpful to make a list of all the ways you have been a good parent. You should enumerate them, from the small acts to the most sacrificial, to help you see the whole picture. You want to focus on the complete relationship with your child, not only on what has gone wrong. Emphasize the positive aspects of your bond with your child and what you have done well.
Adult children are most open to the influence of those who love them. This is often why they are so receptive to the influence of peers and closed to their parents. Their friends give them acceptance and affirmation, and their parents may give them condemnation. Parents who wish to be a positive influence must focus on meeting their children’s need for emotional love. But how can we parents make our children feel they are loved?
We do this by assuring our adult children in many ways that “I love you, no matter what.” At times, we may not like their behavior, but that doesn’t mean we withhold our love. To do so is to love them “only if . . .” which is not true love. It is okay to tell your child, “I may not like what you are doing, but it will not keep me from loving you.” This is true unconditional parental love.
Adapted from Your New Life with Adult Children: A Practical Guide for What Helps, What Hurts, and What Heals (©2024). Published by Moody Publishers. Used with permission.
Gary Chapman, Ph.D.—author, speaker, pastor, and counselor who has a passion for people, and for helping them form lasting relationships. The 5 Love Languages® is one of Chapman’s most popular titles, topping various bestseller charts for years, selling over twenty million copies, and has been translated into 50 languages. Chapman has been directly involved in real-life marriage and family counseling since the 1970s, and his two radio programs air nationally on the Moody Radio Network and affiliate stations. For more information visit www.5lovelanguages.com
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