by Becky Harling
A public statement from the surgeon general of the United States revealed that one in two adults feels significantly isolated. The report suggests that loneliness is the new epidemic and that we now have a dire need to again figure out community and what it means. In other words, people are feeling disconnected. That number is staggering and interestingly, it didn’t stem from the COVID pandemic of several years ago. Many have called the pandemic the great revealer. It didn’t cause the problem but definitely showed us how deep the problem is. Our loneliness has been growing steadily over recent years.
Maybe you’ve felt lonely after a divorce, or when moving to a new city, or after a conflict with a friend. You might feel lonely because you’re single and you’ve been praying for a mate for years. On the other hand, it could be that you are married but feel like you and your spouse are on different planets. Perhaps you’ve grown too busy. Long hours at work prevent you from enjoying deep conversation with your family and friends. It’s possible you’ve been hurt, and as a result you’ve built sturdy walls of protection around your heart. Unfortunately, those walls have kept other people out and now you are feeling all alone. While the reasons are many and varied, we are now facing the epidemic of loneliness.
Eve accepted a new job, a great career opportunity in management she couldn’t pass up, but she’s having a hard time connecting with her new coworkers. It seems that everyone else has been with the small company for years, and she keenly feels she’s an outsider.
Noelle has moved to a new area and is considering trying to meet new friends online but isn’t sure that’s a good idea. Week after week goes by as she hesitates, and now she feels stuck in a pattern of unwanted solitude.
Roberta is single but would like to meet someone special to share her life with. When she returns to her apartment every evening after work, she feels depressed and wishes someone were there to greet her and ask about her day.
Candy is married, but the distance she feels in her marriage leaves her feeling isolated and sad.
You may look at your pastor or someone else who seems to be a people person and projects an aura of being upbeat. However, even ministers and others in positions of leadership experience feelings of isolation on a regular basis. The demands and pressures, not to mention the criticism, can leave many people feeling like they don’t have a friend in the world. Author Ruth Haley Barton writes about the loneliness that leaders feel: “On some days the magnitude of the responsibility and the awareness of our aloneness can be crushing.”
While some may have lots of connections on social media, those aren’t necessarily true connections. In fact, research shows that people who spend long hours on social media are more lonely than ever. Social media serves a function; however, it is not a replacement for authentic close relationships.
Honestly, loneliness is a frequent visitor in our broken world, and we’re grappling with a profound sense of disconnect. To make matters worse, our loneliness is costing us not just emotionally but also physically. The CDC links social isolation and loneliness to depression, anxiety, type 2 diabetes, heart disease, stroke, dementia, and more.
Though these reports are challenging, loneliness is nothing new. As we read the Scriptures, we discover that many heroes of our faith felt lonely:
Moses felt the loneliness of leadership. With deep fear of abandonment Moses cries out, “If your presence does not go with me, I don’t want to go at all!” (Ex. 33:12, 14; my paraphrase).
Job felt lonely when his friends brought him no comfort and instead kept accusing him of sinning against God (Job 4–23).
Nehemiah felt lonely as he led the wall reconstruction project (Neh. 2:16).
Elijah felt lonely in the cave and cried out, “I am the only one left” (1 Kings 19:10).
David felt lonely as he hid from his own son who was trying to take his life (Ps. 3).
And ultimately, Jesus our Savior felt lonely in the Garden of Gethsemane the night before He was going to die, when His friends kept falling asleep instead of praying with Him (Matt. 26:40).
Here’s the thing: if you wrestle with loneliness, let go of the guilt because the guilt isn’t helping you. It’s normal to experience seasons of loneliness, as I described above. However, it is not meant to be the general tenor of our lives. Instead, our daily life needs to be anchored in a deep sense of community, an intimate relationship with God, and close attachment with others.
The truth is, all of us desire genuine, loving, connected relationships. We want to feel like we belong and that we’re known and loved. We need each other. And you know what? That’s God’s desire for you as well.
Excerpted from Cultivating Deeper Connection in a Lonely World by Becky Harling (© 2024). Published by Moody Publishers. Used by permission.
Becky Harling has a degree in Biblical Literature and is a speaker and Bible teacher. The host of The Connected Mom podcast, Becky has a passion for helping women find hope, healing, freedom, and life transformation through Jesus Christ. She is the author of many books and Bible studies, including Our Father, The Extraordinary Power of Praise, Who Do You Say That I Am, Psalms for the Anxious Heart, The 30-Day Praise Challenge, How to Listen So People Will Talk, and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk. Becky and her husband reside in Colorado.
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